She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
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You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
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You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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