So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
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the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
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I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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