i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
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To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
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I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
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