I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
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Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
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My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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