i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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