I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
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He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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