so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
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How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
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I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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