he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize