ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
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You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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