you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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