There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
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I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
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WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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