Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
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She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
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You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I think your dad took our porno
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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