Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Sober January is a disaster.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize