I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
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I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
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this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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