and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
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She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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