Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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