I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
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Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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