guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
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Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
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if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
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