HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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