i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
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I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
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This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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