Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Randomize