Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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