are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
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"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
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I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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