I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize