So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
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I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
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Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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