Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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