need another drink. this is the easiest way
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize