The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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