How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
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Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
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I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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