I puked a lego.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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