i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
thus making me awesome and them whores
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
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apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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