My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
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I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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