also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
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Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
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I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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