he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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