I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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