you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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