just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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