im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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