and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
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Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
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I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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