Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
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Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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