So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
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I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
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Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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