What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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