happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
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Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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