someone threw a dead crab at me
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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