He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize