I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
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It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
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I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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