Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize