I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
it was like eating out sand paper
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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