dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
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just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
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Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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