His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
